Meditating on Meditation

Since my meditation course in February, I’ve tried to meditate everyday, usually for 20 minutes and for ten at least. I’ve only missed a day here and there. Sometimes I even manage 45 minutes. I’m amazed at what I’ve discovered by meditating, constantly frustrated at how hard it is, and surprised that sound sleep still often eludes me.

Insomnia was the main reason I decided to do an intensive mediation course. A runner-up reason was my yoga practice. I wanted to make meditation more routine than how long I chose to stay in lotus pose.

Maybe the reason I’m still having a slight fight with my insomnia, which at least has improved, is that meditation is all about nothings. I went in with expectations. No way – you aren’t supposed to have expectations. Perhaps that explains why the chronic pain from my bicycle and snowboarding accidents is almost gone. I never expected it to leave. Through mediation, I learned to relax muscles that had only known to tense up in pain and protection.

Back to the nothings. No expectations. And no thoughts. Or rather, no engaging with thoughts. Just let them pass. No controlling the breath. Just focus on it. No moving, unless it’s to mindfully and deftly adjust your position. All and all, mediation is about nothing but just being. (All of those “justs” misleadingly imply ease.)

While writing this, I realize that “human being” is both a noun, and a subject and a verb. Interesting. A human being, in the subject-and-verb sense, is a rare state. The very nature of being human makes simply being really hard. We like our minds. We have a difficult time shutting them down, or at least quieting them.

I’m grateful for meditation, even if it is hard and I feel inept at it. Often I become aware that I’m not only engaging with my thoughts, I’m having an all-out love fest with them. Then I momentarily panic and shamefully wonder how long the affair has been going on. Those frequent moments aside…. I’m feeling more like me. I feel I’ve rediscovered a good chunk of clarity, which left in the last couple of years. I’m also more aware of my thoughts being my perceptions rather than facts. I’m looking at things from more than one way. It’s all good. Refreshing and empowering, actually.


About gwenamon

bookworm, confidante, creative director, cyclist, global wanderer, music lover, shutterbug, shoe shopper, snowboarder, writer, yoga geek. i'm also a very proud mama of a lil mister named james.
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