Talking to Chad last week made me crystallize something that I had been thinking but hadn’t been able to articulate. Choosing a less conventional life than my upbringing – a late marriage, then divorce, no kids, large city, no suburbs – has meant more analysis and sometimes, more doubt. However, I’ve been happy, even after the turbulent bits. I know living married in the suburbs with children and a mini van isn’t for me.
But I believe there’s a glue to all that convention. Maybe it’s wrong, but I assume that wanting the convention, and not questioning it must make things—I think this is the word.—easier. It’s that you never had to decide whether children are a facet of your life. They are a given.
Because I’ve been getting bombarded with the maternal-clock question lately, I’ve been trying to figure out if mine is indeed ticking. Or even if there’s a mild hum. I’ve always been able to see the reasons why people have children. They give you a focus. Une raison d’être. And you love something more than yourself, which is ultimately good and settling.
For now I’m weighing those reasons.