I’m all twisted up today. My heart feels pulled in two, towards a happy yet unknown future with so much potential, and back to a past that once was very sweet. Incomparable really. However, there were issues. I see them too. And that’s why tonight I’m signing divorce papers. Ugh.
Perhaps this is too personal for a blog post. (Don’t worry, I’ll spill more into my journal. ;)) I feel, though, that so few people talk about these things and they’re incredibly important. Talking with the few people I know who also have gone through a divorce has helped and inspired me. So I’ll dedicate this post to them and the spirit of sharing.
Right now I’m caught up in the symbols. I’m reminded of why they exist. They make something I’ve mentally accepted suddenly seem very hard. Yet ending a marriage should be hard. A piece of simple paper will come to signify the end of 12 years. However, when I’m not feeling emotional, I know that’s just crazy. I’ll always have those years. I am who I am today because of them…because of him.
I’m also feeling that divorce is a personal mark of failure. Funny, I never used to look at it that way when I’d hear of others divorcing. I still don’t see it that way for them. Now I do for me though. Maybe because I never thought it’d happen to me. I’m pretty sure that feeling will change in time, since there’s the other side. The proverbial other side. I’ve learned so much about me, about what I want and need.
Having a lifetime commitment taken away has shifted my perspective. Most of the time it feels for the better, even if it took me a while to realize. I appreciate the present more. Although my accentuated cynicism amused me (and I hope others), it is thawing. I’ve come to have faith in commitment again. And most of all, I’ve learned that I can survive the things that scare me the most. The everyday things that used to get to me before have been rightly put in their menial places.
So for today and probably longer than I can predict, I’m just going to let myself be sad. The past deserves it. Besides I know new beginnings are waiting.